The Voice Of The
Addict . . . .
get many letters daily from parents dealing with the problems
associated with drug abuse in their children or other loved ones.
What has really surprised me though, is the response that I've
gotten from addicts, some in recovery, some still in active
addiction. Up to this point, I have been just adding them into the
section called "Other Mothers Tears" .... but have now
decided to start a page devoted to the "Voice Of The
Addict." I plan to leave out names, but in some cases, if you
do see a name, or a picture, it is only because the person sending
it to me requested it to be there. I will never print someone's name
or picture without permission, or unless requested to do so.
I just started going through your web site. I am a recovering addict,
and I married one almost three years ago. I don't have three years in
yet, but I have the strongest desire ever to stay clean. My husband and
I have been separated for awhile, he just can't seem to stay clean and I
couldn't live watching it any longer. I have been searching the web
trying to find stuff on grieving, as I feel it will be the death of him.
It has taken him places he doesn't really want to be. He is across
Canada now, in the clutches of his addiction. I know it could never work between us, I have a lot of issues I need to
work on too. Co-dependency, control, my teenage boys and numerous other
things I need to face for success in my recovery. None of which I can
do without the Grace, Love and Mercy of God. I have this fear he will not return alive, but I did have the
opportunity to talk to him last night, he called. I had a chance to say
things that I am grateful for because of our relationship. I could have
been dead if not for meeting him when I did, I was on the verge of
suicide, I really thought that was my only way out. It was through him
that I was introduced to the Lord. I only wish I could have made a
difference for him. Addiction is a powerful enemy. I never understood
how much so, until I tried to get straight myself, and watching him in
his struggles. Thank you SO much for your site and sharing your
lif with many.
My name is Jana....I have recently lost my beautifull sister to a heroin over dose. It is heartbreaking to say the very least. She was my only sister. My brother was lost as well to alcohol addiction. He had been drinking heavily and had a motorcycle accident. It was so odd that they both had severe head injury. My
sister's due to heroin over dose. My brother due to the accident. I have a poem about addiction that I would like to submit if you do not mind putting it on your
site. If it can say it to just one lost and lonely addict then I will feel I may have done something worth while.
Here is the poem:
I long for sleep,
but can it bring me rest,
or peace for a time at best,
I think not,
for theres no rest for the weary,
and its hard to see through eyes filled with teary,
salty liquid that falls on my page,
and I am so very aware of my age.
And I long to go back
to start the journey again,
to never have found
such a dark dark friend,
who torments the soul,
where the drug addicts go,
when they travel the road of snow white.
I should also tell you that I myself am an addict also, one who lived in denial for many years. Now there is no denial...only regret and new beginnings and hope. I have gone
to the father and asked him for help and forgiveness. There's no way I will win this battle without the Lord. No one or thing can do it for me. I do not inject drugs. But had an illness and was given pain pills and
valium and am still taking it and trying to keep it under control as I do need the pain pills and probably always will be a person who needs them from time to time. Its so
scary for me. I wish I never even saw one little white pill. I'd rather have just tried to live with the pain now that I look back. But
isn't hind sight 20/20?
I am a recovering addict.
I have been out of prison for 9 days now. I found out that my husband commited suicide in February, and no one told me until I came
home. He was also an addict. He had been in active addiction for 24 years, and was supposed to be getting treatment while I was there.
He had been addicted to crack cocaine, and anyone that has used it knows that it is the devils drug. The depression, the guilt, the shame, the insanity. This has made me even stronger in my recovery.
I lost the man of my dreams to this disease, not to mention my freedom, and my children. I now have to rebuild everything, and that's ok, because I know that as long as I don't use, and go to meetings, and work my program one day at a time, I don't have to be in active addiction.
I have learned to grieve without drugs. I miss him very
much. I didn't get to say goodbye, however this loss in my life has made me more determined to stay in recovery. He was
a good man when he wasn't on drugs, but we are all good people when
we're not using. Thank you for listening.
name is Karen. Iím 17 yrs old and have been clean for three years this
Christmas. Its pretty ironic how I came across your page. I was
looking for a poem for my mother, I guess in some way to express so
many things left unsaid. You see, I have been battling an addiction
for 6 yrs so you can figure out I was getting high at 11. Although,
thank God my drugs werenít as severe as others, I was able to
destroy everyone and everything around me. I realized through the
last years that addiction doesn't discriminate. I come from a middle
class family , two wonderful parents and a brother who too, is
battling for sobriety. I have always been intelligent and mature for
my age. In some ways I grew up too quickly. I don't wish upon anyone
the things I have seen or felt. I must mention I don't regret what I
have done, because I wouldn't know what I know today. I regret
hurting the people who have stuck by me forever and putting myself
in situations no child should endure. I am writing to you hoping in
some way that I can heal a small portion of your heart. I hope you
truly don't blame your self because it isn't you.
The following two letters are from a female addict named Mel. She wrote the first letter upon finding my site, and the second
after she realized that my own daughter, Kathy, had passed
away. - Vicki
FIRST LETTER - Hi all. I am a beautiful (on the outside) intelligent, slim, and loving 24
year old female who some might think has everything in the world going for
her. But one small problem impedes me... I am a heroin addict. God the pain
and horror my family and I have suffered over this awful gut-wrenching, mind
crushing prick of a disease/addiction whatever you wanna call it.
I am a middle class Australian girl who loves her caring wonderful family
with all her heart, but sadly fell into heroin addiction without abandon
about 8 years ago. My mother and father have been through the works, rehab,
detoxes, helping with money then food etc etc etc. Thank God I have managed
to scrape myself out of the gutter and get clean on methadone a
couple of years ago and have not taken heroin for about a year, but am so so scared
that this may yet happen.
All I can say is it is possible to be clean after years of addiction. Before
I went clean (well as clean as methadone means) I had a $1000 a day habit
and was having to sleep with several men every night for my next
day's fix. I am now at UNI, and while not totally happy, and still fighting the cravings, I
am clean for now and wish you all the best. If anyone needs help, support,
an insight into an addicted mind, or whatever please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org
I am here,
SECOND LETTER - What can I say except I am so so sorry.
I am glad you have a God you can turn to for comfort. I am glad you have the
knowledge you did everything you could to help your daughter. But I am so
sorry it ended like this.
Maybe this is a good thing for you to hear: as a 24 year old heroin addict
who has been using drugs since she was 13 and heroin since 15, your page
made me cry harder than most things have ever made me cry. Your pain echoes
my parents and God I am so sorry for that.
I wish I could be perfect.
I wish I could stay clean for ever.
I wish I was a better person.
But I am clean for now, and at UNI after using and being a prostitute for a
very long time. It is so very hard, most people seem to hate me if they even
guess of my past. A bad woman is a bad woman in their opinion. But please
never question sharing yourselves online, you have offered me not only
sadness, but hope that I can do someone proud, even if I save my parents from
feeling some of the pain you felt and never find my own place in society,
even if I live clean but unhappy for the rest of my days, your story gives
me another perspective and it will take a huge amount to make me use again.
just like to encourage someone and let them know that I was on drugs
for 21 years. It was not until I gave my life to Jesus and obeyed
his word, that he delivered me from drugs. I have now been clean for
8 years and am a Deacon in my church. Jesus is the way, the truth
and the life.
"My brother's body died last night, the rest of him long
ago. He died at the hand of heroin; and why, I'll never
I wrote those words over a year ago, and am no closer to
understanding the "why" now, than I was then. I do know
that it's pointless to wonder why, for I myself am a recovering
alcoholic with 14 years sober last January, and still don't know why
I did that to myself and to all who loved me. Oh ... I know the
chemical and psychological reasoning behind it all; but what makes
some of us head that way while others with the same genes and same
proclivities ... do not?
My brother, John Digges, III, certainly never intended to grow up
and be a junkie. He had loftly ambitions, and few were beyond his
reach. He was a most wanted son and a delight as a child. He had a
thirst for knowledge and he absorbed and retained the strangest
assortment of facts with relative ease. He was tall, dark and
handsome and attracted women -- lovely women, classy women -- with
ease. He was at home in any surroundings, from a campfire meeting to
a diplomatic dinner. But that deep, dark hungry hole that lives
inside every addict ... always screamed for "MORE!" Johnny
was a heroin addict for over 30 years. That is an incredibly long
life-span for those with his addiction.
Johnny wasn't a wasted addict for all that time. He had many
clean and sober periods, most of them though, while he was
incarcerated. Although, he also did some of his best dealing and
acquiring while behind bars! I am not taking his inventory here, nor
telling his story behind his back. He has shared it openly at AA and
NA meetings. He was involved in a horrible accident while under the
influence. The other driver was killed. It was late at night, there
were no witnesses, so none could say for sure which of them had run
the redlight. But Johnny could never be sure that he hadn't, and he
carried that uncertainty and guilt with him as long as he lived.
During his clean years, Johnny did drug counseling for the state,
and even ran state-funded halfway houses during periods of sobriety.
He has helped to turn around countless lives. This only serves to
make his death MORE puzzling, because he certainly had all the
tools! He seemed to be able to help everybody except himself.
Paramedics had resuscitated him countless times. One of the last
times, he was found unconscious in his car. They did the CPR bit and
had him relatively stable, when they got a call to rush to a robbery
scene where a police officer had been shot. They told Johnny not to
leave, they would be back quickly. Right! Give an addict a
"thou shalt not" and he immediately MUST. But ... not
Johnny. He drove immediately to a rehab, rather than to his
connection. He would do anything to stay clean and sober ...
everything except ... not use again. We all know we have "one
more high" left in us. What we don't know is .... whether we
have one more recovery.
The next time Johnny was found unconscious, we don't know how
long he had been out. He was taken to the hospital and there he
lingered for three days on full life support. This beautiful,
caring, compassionate man that was my baby brother, was no longer in
the bed! What he never would have wanted to see happen, did happen.
His overdose nearly killed his Mother, too! She was his biggest fan,
his most ardent supporter, and (of course) his most faithful
enabler! Knowing that you have financed your child's last
"trip" has to be the most heartbreaking feeling any parent
can deal with. It matters not that if you had not given them the
money, they would have found it somewhere. It matters only that the
flickering flame deep within your darling child has been
|I received the following letter from a female
addict, my own daughter, while she was still in active addiction. It's heartbreaking to look into
the mind of an addict, and even more heartbreaking when it is
someone you love so much. - Vicki
streets are awfully cold at night, even in the summertime. Mindless
zombies, robotic like, either headed toward or away from the crack
house. As I walk, I feel the hole inside my chest, so large, I can
feel the wind blowing right through it. Imagine finding a little joy
in a patch of a field no one knew about. Where I could relieve
myself and even catch an hour or two of sleep. Or ... the day I made
friends with the guy who ran the adult video store, where, for
$5.00, I could go into a locked booth .... and sleep in safety.
There is even a 24 hour restaurant where the cook, who is a member
of NA, will feed me once a week. And of course, the manager of a
local fast food restaurant, would always trade food for
"rock" (crack) ... but who of us was willing to do so.
There is absolutely no loyalty on the streets. You find a dealer
and stick with him so he'll look after you, for a VERY small time,
while you're down. The
girls NEVER stick together. And almost every "trick" is
dangerous in one form or the other. Beaten, raped, robbed, deserted far away, any or all of the above. One could only be so lucky to
find their way out ... like my friend Lisa did. She died from an
overdose .... her suffering is over.
It hurts to think the streets
want us more than our families do. We do what we do to numb the
pain, as a result, we feel such shame, and there goes the vicious
cycle, never ending, unless an "angel" steps in. Mine must
be very angry at me. He probably doesn't have a single feather left.
There are no concrete walls, steel bars, or magnetic locks that are
worse than having one's hope taken away.
just came from your site and it touched my heart so because I also
have battled drugs for 15 years. Tears are rolling from my
eyes, knowing all the pain I caused my own family due to drugs and
all the pain I caused myself because there was no where for me to
turn until I found the Lord!!!! Praise God!!!
received a link to your page from many wonderful people, one of
which is a dear friend of mine. In some small way, I thought maybe I
could help by saying that I truly know what addiction can do. You
see, I am a recovering addict myself. My life of drugs started many
years ago with one glass of wine when I was ten. It ended eight
years later with one needle in my arm and all the hopes of my life
in ruins. I could tell you of the horror, but you already know that
.... of all the wondering and worry .... of "where's my son
... my daughter ..... it's 3AM for God's sake" but you have
felt this pain. I know, because I have seen this in my own Mother's
eyes. I have seen things in my life that no young person should ever
have the misfortune of witnessing. The war that lived and ruled my
life was waged also on my family, it has no bounds.
Most of all, I wanted to share with you from the deepest part of
my being what helped me the most and what I hold dear to me to this
day. My mother never gave up on me. Yes, she stopped enabling
me, but unlike everyone else who looked at me with nothing but
disgust, she always let me know she still loved me and that she
would never stop caring, no matter what. So if I were to say one
prayer for all the still suffering addicts in the world, it would be
that they have someone in their lives like my mom.
like your daughter, I am an alcoholic/addict. I have been in and out
of treatment centers and psychiatric wards for the last 16 years. I
am 38 years old. When I allow the chemicals to take over, I destroy
myself and everything in my way. I have not spoken to my mother in 3
years. My son is so afraid when I allow myself to go where it is I
go when I allow my disease to take over once again. He says it makes
me act crazy. Do you know what it is like to see fear in your
child's eyes. Especially when it is what you are doing that is
scaring him. His whole life is turned upside down when I go back out
and use. I have not had a drink or a pill since July. During this
last bout, I was in a treatment center, a psychiatric ward, and jail
all in a matter of 3 months. I will keep checking your website. I
can only speak for myself, but I want to say I am so sorry to anyone
who my addiction has affected. In January, a 37 year old friend of
mine finally gave in to her addictions. She took a bottle of pills
and ended it forever. I think she just got tired. That's what they
tell us will happen to all of us if we don't surrender, but I guess
we think that it will never happen to us. I just wanted to let you
know that your site has inspired me.
this letter from
female addict, that I
mentioned above, my own daughter.
This letter was written from
her prison cell one year before she died. - Vicki
to see full grown men begging people for more "rock", or
once beautiful women crawling on the floor looking for some that
they swear they dropped. I have seen both, crying in agonizing
failure and I swore that I would never do such.
However, late at night, behind the dryers of the laundromat, I
have allowed myself to leak water from my eyes. I don't cry for me,
I cry for my child and for my family, and all the zombies.
The dryers are warm, but a female can't stay there long; the
woodsmen come out, and do the unimaginable. It's safer in the book
store, if you have $5.00.
The crack house won't let you in without money, and won't let you
out if you still have some. I just wish the ground would open up and
swallow all the dope houses into the guts of hell.
I don't know what day it is, but I never knew "out
there" either. Do you understand? With no car, and no phone, it
was like I was in a cage, locked. The silence was deafening.
wanted to say what a lucky and blessed person your daughter is to
have a mother who cares and understand so much. That in itself is a
great triumph. I too, am an addict, suffering a relapse after almost
nine years clean. One of the great battles I fight besides the
addiction, is the gut-wrenching tearful fear that I could lose my
Mom and Dad, and little brothers over this disease. My parents have
never been able to comprehend it as a disease or a fight .... in
their eyes, it is just a "simple choice" to do or not to
do. Still, I have accepted their self-imposed perception and worked
very hard at healing the pain and betrayal they have suffered from
this regardless of their perception and I truly love them all
deeply. I am once again fighting demons I had hoped never again to
face head-on. The good news is (yes, there is some) is that I have a
loving husband now (of 1 1/2 years) who is doing his darndest to
hang in there with me. I fought this alone with God's help last
round, and now with my husband's love and God's help, I feel that I
can beat this. I'm sorry this is so long-winded, but your site just
brought tears to my eyes thinking how lucky your daughter is, lucky
and truly blessed. I have lit a candle for myself on your
candlelight page. What an incredible page! I know that many people
will be helped by your willingness and efforts. I wish and pray the
best for your daughter. If more people worked as hard as you at
loving ... even through adversity .... maybe addiction never would
have been, and maybe someday, it can be abolished through the love
and caring of God ... and people like you.
|I am an
addict in recovery, drug free now for 13 years. Everyone had lost
hope and faith in me. It took me years to get to where I am today. I
have two children .... they saw it all ... lived it all. You know
the drama ..... missing for days ... hospitalized. My breaking point
was when I was laying in the hospital, all hooked up to every
machine there was ... seeing my daughter .... crying and glaring at
me. It was not love or sadness in her eyes. It was "hate."
She looked down at me and said, "why don't you just f-----g die
and leave us alone!!!" I was 36 years old and was literally
dead. I wanted to cry when my daughter said that. I wanted to scream
... I wanted to feel ... but I felt nothing but fear ... knowing the
end was near ... and that I had to do something. I have God in my
life now and he helps me take it a day at a time, giving me the
strength to go on, he removed the desire from me. It is up to me now
to keep the positive attitude and constantly work on myself. I still
attend 12 step meetings. My biggest fear became my reality. My son
became an alcoholic. I need not say what that did to me. I've put
his care in God's hands. Today, my wonderful son has 1 year and 2
months sobriety, and life just gets better, as long as I live right.
I am a
recovering addict. Actually, Vicki is my sister and I am the brother
she mentions on her opening page. I've suffered through 26 years as
a drug addict, the last 17 years on heroin. I've lost everything I
ever had due to my drug use but mostly I lost myself and my
self-respect. I've been in prison 4 times as a result of my
addiction and it wasn't until I gave my life to Jesus Christ that I
finally found some hope. I've only been clean for a little over a
year now and I know there are no guarantees, but I know that as long
as I remain close to God and keep Him first, I will never have to
return to the HORROR I once lived. I can do all things
through Christ who strengthens me. - Phil. 4:13
|Yes, the letter above was
written by my brother, my baby brother, whom I dearly love. He was clean
and eager to stay that way when he wrote this letter, but that was several years
ago. He didn't make it though, and he went back to prison.
But today, by the grace of God, he's out of prison and doing well.
"One day at a time." - Vicki
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